We know that encouraging children is essential. It helps them to strive for independence. It creates in them a desire to achieve excellence. It teaches them to feel good about their accomplishments, and shows them the right direction according to your family values. But how do we go about “encouraging” our children?
Alfie Kohn wrote an interesting article called “Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” about the detrimental effects of the overly used phrase. From the moment I finished reading the article, I was determined to stop using “good job” as a form of encouragement – something i had until then assumed to be harmless. Thankfully, my first child was quite young when i read the article and so the habit wasn’t deeply ingrained.
It seems that people are very liberal with their use of “good job” – at least in my surroundings they are. Even electronic toys toss it around like it’s nothing! Friends have met my daughter’s enthusiasm of going high on the swing as I pushed her, with an automatic reply of “Good job!” Same response to her joy for having lost a tooth, yet both cases required no effort on her part. Lets look at the other side. One of my daughter’s friends thrives on good job. Her mother uses it regularly, and if she attains that level of praise she is happy. She happens to always want to compete with my daughter. Once i asked: “Can you guys just play for fun? What happens when someone wins?” She proceeded to answer: “Then you say good job!” To attain this prize, she will try her hardest to win, often unfairly. This might be an extreme example, but it helped me understand a little more how seeking this praise can influence a child’s actions and intentions.
Most people don’t see the harm in “good job” but when you break it down, it is a completely external approval, or judgement, and completely generic. Sure it encourages children to try hard and to become better, but not for themselves. It teaches them to try hard to attain a level that meets their parents’ or teachers’ standard. They work harder for the gold star. The child depends on the praise as opposed to being able to recognize for himself the accomplishment he’s achieved.
What Kohn suggests instead is to notice the specific action. If a child cleans the table, one can say “Wow thanks! Look how clean it is!” or, “You cleaned it all by yourself!” and from that, the accomplishment of the child making it as clean as she did is noticed and the service thanked.
Similarly, in the “Family Virtues Guide“, Linda Kavelin Popov talks about using virtues to encourage specific actions. She says that pointing out virtues rings very powerfully in the heart of the child. The child can get his sense of worth, dignity, and confidence from within himself, because the virtue comes from within him.
One should be careful, however, not to label the child’s character, she notes, even if it is positive. For example, if you tell a child “you are so generous”, a child knows in his heart that he is not always generous. If it’s too big of a label, it won’t ring true to him and our goal of feeding his sense of self-worth and effort towards excellence is hindered or unattained. If a child shares his toy, one can say “what a beautiful act of generosity” or “that was a generous thing to do”, or a simple smile and a loving hug is often just the right thing. You can also direct your child’s attention on the positive effect her gesture had on the other person. These moments are great opportunities to talk about our actions, how they affect us and others, and how they literally shape our lives and the world around us. I believe this helps my children to evaluate their own actions, and that eventually they will embody mindfulness by their own standards.
When you notice the specific action, it is simply and joyfully recognized for what it is. In the long run, the growing child won’t be dependent on others’ approval. In moments when you don’t know what to say, or that the word good has already come out of your mouth, “good for you” is a good substitute. One of my favorites is “you did it!” Although these are both generic, the power totally remains in their hands.
