Like this:

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, has been a glorious read for me. I love practicing it, i love how it feels, i love what effects it has on our family life. To begin, here are the main 5 steps of emotion coaching:

1. Being aware of the child’s emotion;

2. Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings;

4. Helping the child verbally label emotions; and

5. Setting limits while helping the child problem solve.

The steps to number 5 are: 1) limit setting; 2) identifying goals; 3) thinking of possible solutions; 4) evaluationg proposed solutions based on your family’s values; and 5) helping your child choose a solution.

With practice, all these steps become automatic.

One of the things that i found brilliant while reading this book is realizing some patterns that we fall into as parents without realizing what we are teaching to our children. Now, I see it everywhere. Parents tell their children “don’t feel sad”, or “you don’t need to be afraid, it’s just a clown”, or better yet “it’s ok. here, you want a cookie?” If every time a child displays a negative emotion, we respond by telling him what he aught to be feeling, or by trying to distract him from his unpleasant emotion, the message the child registers is: “I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Mommy/daddy knows how i should feel.” The child goes on to stop trusting his own heart.

This book is a great tool in learning how to communicate understanding, and helps us understand that negative emotions are legitimate feelings, and that it is healthy for a child to feel them and work through them. Another reason to be “patient in the gap“!

Gottman speaks of Kyle, a little boy who is angry because his brother Nicky received a package from his grandmother for his birthday. “That’s not fair!” Kyle angrily replies. The natural reaction of the father is to explain that eventually, it will be fair. So he says: “When your birthday comes, grandma will probably send you a package too.” That response might explain the logic of the situation, but, to quote from the book, it “[...] flatly denies how Kyle is feeling in the moment. Now, on top of feeling jealous about the package, Kyle probably feels angry that his dad doesn’t understand his unenviable position. Imagine how differently Kyle might feel if his dad were to respond to his outburst with a simple observation – you wish grandma had sent you a package, too. I bet that makes you feel kind of jealous. Yeah that’s right, Kyle might think. Even though it’s Nicky’s birthday and I’m supposed to be cool about this, I feel jealous. Dad understands. Now, Kyle is in a better spot to hear his dad’s explanation that things will even out in time.”

In my personal experience with the advice of this book, validating and helping my children label their emotions actually helps them calm down very rapidly, and leaves them feeling serene afterwards. They feel understood. Gottman explains the many benefits of emotional coaching for children throughout their lives, one of those is being able to better soothe themselves. Along with emotional well-being, he mentions they are better off in areas of academic performance, social competence, and also physical health. The key is to sincerely empathize with the emotion, instead of criticizing it, no matter how uncomfortable it is to you. It helped me to realize that I wasn’t “the enemy”, but rather, the shoulder of support. If my child cries because he cannot get what he wants, I hug him! His sadness (in most cases) is real. He won’t get what he wants because he shows sadness, but I can still empathize with his emotions. “You feel disappointed? It’s disappointing to not get what you want eh.” I might tell him. “I can understand. I would feel disappointed too if i really wanted to go to the pool and that I couldn’t because…” and then we can find solutions together, and talk about it. I can relate to him a personal story. We grow closer, through these intimate encounters. It’s absolutely wonderful.

A big point that makes all of this easier is to realize that you, too, are “allowed” to feel the negative emotions that bubble up. Permitting yourself to feel sad or angry can help you be more aware of your child’s feelings, amongst other things. The rule is to not say or do anything hurtful to others. This applies to the child and the parent too!

There are a lot of inspiring and seriously appreciable facts derived from a decade of research following studied families and many other sources. There are amazing tips for emotion coaching with teenagers (I have understood a few things about my own adolescence here!), some true or false quizzes to help you identify your current standpoint on negative emotions and your parenting style, an lengthy explanation on the crucial role of the father, and even how to apply emotion coaching within your marriage.

There is so much wealth in this treasure of a book, i am sure to never pawn it.

Advertisement