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Let us scratch the surface Suppose your child wants to sleep with the hall light on, or doesn’t want his food mixing on his plate, or doesn’t want you to buy the ice cream with nuts. These are quite trivial requests for parents, and granting such wishes can have long-term consequences on our children, says John Gottman, author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child“. The earlier it is, the better it is for a child to learn to express his choices and preferences. How positive it is to help very young children develop a sense of responsibility by allowing them choices in their everyday life. Surely you do not need to answer to all of the countless little requests that your child might voice in a day, but a parent who constantly limits these choices gives their children the message that their desires do not matter. So many of our children’s requests are effortless for us to carry out. Seeing them through, the child gets a very different message : “What I want matters. How i feel makes a difference. I’m the kind of kid that enjoys this“. We give our children the chance to develop their sense of self, to find out what they like and what they don’t like, and to form their identity. We also show that their desires and opinions have value and this builds on their self-esteem and sense of dignity.

But what about toddlers, and their ever changing whims? Can you afford to take a two hour walk to go to the grocery store because your daughter wants to smell the flowers and observe every little bug, bird, and shiny rock she sees? Of course, that is for you to decide. I give myself ample of time to let discoveries happen, even if my kids are not toddlers anymore. The walk to the store might just be the only outing of the day. I find it is often when we are pressed with time that we deny our children’s desires, not because we think they are futile but because we are too much in a hurry. Maria Montessori, in her book “The Secret of Childhood“, describes a little child sitting in the parc, filling his bucket with rocks. The mother, who wants to get going, fills the bucket up for the child so that they may move on. The child is utterly unsatisfied and as you may guess throws a toddler fit. Having the bucket filled for him did not help him attain his goal, but in fact prevented him from his quest. His goal was filling the bucket. For a little child, this sense of purpose is very strong. His reaction, if he is not permitted to carry out this purpose, will naturally be strong too. Does this make him spoiled? I think it makes him a child. If someone were to disrupt my work, take my things and stuff them in a bag, and tell me we needed to go, I would be upset too. I might not scream and cry, but that is how a child might express these new emotions.

From what i’ve read, and most importantly from personal experience, I think doing our best to honor our children’s desires, no matter what their age is, helps them develop a sense of worth and a sense of self that will carry on with them through adulthood. Montessori describes these seemingly silly and trivial games our children play, as well as any other thing that engages their minds, as “work”.  In line with this thought, i often woud tell my son as a toddler, if he was disrupting his older sister who was perhaps concentrating on a puzzle, “Lets give your sister some space. She is working.”  And we’d go do something else. I would say the same thing to my daughter if she tried to distract or disturb my son, even though he was just a tot. I think it helped them learn to respect the purposefulness of play as work. All these little things engage children’s minds. Their neurons are firing and making connections, laying down the solid foundation for more complex thinking that is to come later. Jane Healey speaks extensively about the neurological necessity of play in her book “Your Child’s Growing Mind“. Play is not trivial. Even more so when a child does something with repetition, which strengthens the connection. Knowing this, we can better understand our children’s reactions when disturbed in the middle of their “work”, and bring in our own agendas more carefully. We can learn to anticipate certain precarious situations and adjust ourselves creatively. This does not mean children should always do as they please or disregard the family’s rules of conduct with regards to safety or respect for others. Nor does it mean one cannot set limits. Parents are jugglers. Each of us finds our balance with all of these beautiful notions.

So we have toddlers that want to sit calmly and fill up buckets with rocks when we want to leave, and children that want to construct couch forts right before the guests arrive, and a child that really doesn’t like those blue pants. What are we to do? For me, it is about respecting a child the way I would want to be respected. It’s about being the example, and talking to them the same way we want them to learn to talk to us and to others. There is always a way to find a solution that can acknowledge the child’s desires and respect his emotions. Obedience is wonderful, but it will not help the child develop her sense of self in the long run if it is demanded without considering the child’s choices and sense of purpose. We should treat these the same way we would want someone else to treat our own.

Slowing down and putting the child’s development at the top of our agenda is the first step in ending struggles related to requests, preferences, and intense interests of the moment. Booking less things in the same day will promote stress-free time with your child, full of learning opportunities, and full of nurturing moments. Joyfully going along with the harmless choices of our children and respecting their opinions will serve as a building block in the noble task of raising a happy child that is balanced and feels valued.

I invite you to share your thoughts and anecdotes on this subject.

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