out with time-outs, in with time-ins

“Connection Parenting” by Pam Leo is a book that promotes compassionate family life. This purchase was well worth it for me. The exercises included in every chapter permits one to introspect and consciously decide what it is that we want to pass on to our children, what we want to nurture within them and within our relationship. It helps us put down on paper what our obstacles and strengths are for achieving our parental goals.

Lets talk about discipline a little bit. When we mention discipline, we might be thinking punishment, often using these terms interchangibly as if they were the same thing. They are not. True parental discipline involves “teaching or training children to do what is right” Leo says. In disciplining our children, we ultimately wish to help them aquire self-mastery according to our family’s values and rules. Punishment, as in penalties or harsh treatment for wrong doing, does not necessarily teach our children right behavior, and might even model bullying. It certainly gets children focussing on what they did wrong, as opposed to learning about how to do it right.

Time-outs seem to be a common method nowadays – to the bedroom, the chair, the corner, the hallway, or anywhere the child can be sent to “to reflect”. A time-out is not discipline, it is a form of punishment. It’s good to remember that when a child is acting up, it is most likely due to an unmet need. The time-out is not meeting this need, and therefore not truly resolving the problem.

Pam Leo has a very refreshing take on this. She suggests “time-ins”. I do this with my children and I love the feeling of connection and understanding that comes from it. Basically, I go to my child’s room with him, or somewhere where we can be alone. We sit together, and talk about the unmet need and the unacceptable behavior, using emotion coaching. You can call it an intervention . It involves alot of listening, empathizing, hugging, breathing, praying, and loving discussion.

Time-outs do have their place however. According to Leo, time-outs are to be taken, not given.  A parent who is losing patience, getting angry, or is feeling overwhelmed can say “I need a time-out”. As with everything, we model behavior for our children, so by watching us take time out to calm down, they can learn to do the same.

What if you think this kind of  exchange takes too much time? Both John Gottman, author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child“, and Leo agree that it takes the same amount of time and attention to meet the children’s emotional needs as it does to deal with behavior caused by their unmet emotional needs. Leo is obviously an advocate of connection as a tool to meet these needs, and denotes that high quality time involves playing with your child, and not just watching him play. I grew up in a rather playful home, and being playful with my children comes naturally. However, I have some friends who simply don’t know how to play with their children, and Lawrence J. Cohen’s book “Playful Parenting” could be a good investment for them. Cohen says: “The single most important skill parents can acquire is playing.”

This whole adventure of unconditional love and sweet time-taking is so fulfilling to us as parents. It’s a very important topic, and I’ve written more on obedience in a previous post. I would certainly enjoy to hear of your loving ways and tricks for discipline as self-mastery.