Some years ago, my daughter seemed to be what some people call shy. At times I really worried and wondered what I was supposed to do about it. In a moment of crisis, my husband went to the library and brought back the book “the sensitive child” by Janet Poland and Judi Craig. Thanks to this book I was able to get into my child’s head. I was enabled to understand about many different kinds of sensitivities and develop an empathy that I might not have developed due to my lack of understanding. I even got to understand many things about myself and close loved ones.
People had given me all sorts of random advice, one being to send her to daycare to force her out of her condition. If your child is not in daycare, surely you have heard other parents suggest this as a means for your child to learn to socialize. I didn’t believe this to be the solution, as we had many opportunities to hang out with children and adults of all ages. Besides, keeping her with me ensured that I was raising her which was very important to me. After reading the book I was determined to use a gentle approach.
My goal was to slowly and tenderly help widen her comfort zone. I bought yoga videos for children (which triggered my own deep love for yoga), I read up on teaching meditation to children and put age-applicable aspects to practice, I bought affirmation books and books about breathing, I got attuned as a Reiki Master, I learned the basics of EFT (“Emotional Freedom Technique” is like acupuncture in a finger-tapping form) and I didn’t push her to do anything she didn’t want to do. Soon, we noticed that she began digging into these internalized resources when needed. Once, for example, as an adult friend of ours was walking through the door, my daughter looked at her father and said: ”When someone new comes, I take a deep breath and wait a bit, and then I feel okay”. She must have been about four years old.
Today, most people we meet would never guess that our daughter went through a difficult phase of social anxiety. I am ever so thankful to that book. It brought me from tears to smiles.
If there is one piece of advice I could share, it would be to not label your child as shy. Shyness is a feeling, not a personality trait. The child needs to learn that what she is feeling is just that, a feeling, and not a label of who she is. We often hear parents saying ”Oh, she’s shy.” or “Come on, don’t be shy!” Not only is this telling the child what to feel or not feel, but the child could go on to accept this label as a verity and go through life believing that “shy” is who she is.
A good replacement is “My child likes to take her time to get to know people”. This way we are bringing light on the situation for others to understand, as they are often the ones that will say that your child is shy. At the same time you are respecting your child’s need to take time befriending her feelings in the uncomfortable situation.
“Social anxiety” is one of many sensitivities described in this book. Children can be sensitive to bright lights, irritating clothing, and certain kinds of sounds. It is so relieving to be able to understand, and as a result help our child’s well-being. If your child shows sensitivities that you don’t understand and are frustrating or worrying you, I highly suggest reading even a small book such as this one. It could make a world’s difference for your child and your life together.
