Like this:

It can be irritating to repeat oneself, no? We can be impatient and short, with typical phrases such as “i thought i told you to.”, “how many times must i tell you” or “you should know by now, what’s wrong with you”… We could dive deep into our personal human psychology to figure out why repeating particularly gets us. We could also quite easily seek motivation to be more gentle in our responses by taking the time to understand why kids might not remember or not “get” something the first time around. But I leave that up to you. Here i want to chat about a canny alternative to detrimental reactions i like to practice, and my thoughts on some consequences our kids might have to bear if we chose to drill them to learn the irritated way.

I am suggesting as a one-size-fits all alternative – to practice, to the best of one’s abilities, to always repeat like it’s the first time. It feels better for all parties. As Pam Leo says in her book Connection Parenting, a child doesn’t behave better by feeling worse.

So lets think of this first time. How might we initially ask for a certain behavior, or explain why we desire this behavior? It’s a clean slate. There’s no accumulation of anything. We might use a gentle voice, a gentle touch, we might get close to our child, bend down to their height for satisfactory eye contact like we do with other human beings that we respect. We might give them examples, somewhat abstractly with a verbal explanation or more concretely when possible with actions, objects, or images. We can try to ensure that the point has been understood by asking the child to rephrase it in his own words, or act it out, show us. We can keep explanations simple and short so they are easier to assimilate, and acknowledge the child’s effort when he remembers, even if only partly. One can also envisage situations that could likely occur and discuss them with his or her partner, and afterwards with the child too if possible, before they happen. As a result one will be more prepared to consciously act and less predisposed to react. We can be patient as the child develops his potential to focus and concentrate, nudging him in the desired direction as he does. We can catch ourselves in the act of irritatingly repeating, and nudge ourselves in the desired direction. Every time can be like the first gentle time, coupled with new approaches. Let them learn at their rhythm through real examples and natural consequences (consequences and punishments are not the same thing). Every time we deal with these situations, it can be done differently, and better.

Meaner is not better. I understand some things are very important to understand, perhaps dangerously so. In very serious and dangerous cases, we might get more explicit (stated clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt) with every infraction. Fear might arouse in them, but it won’t be a fear of the parent, it will be a fear of the possible consequence of running around with open scissors, for example. I personally believe this to be a healthy fear, or i’d rather say concern, if explicit explanations are given with moderation and prudence, according to the maturity of our child. We want to protect them from danger, not traumatize them. And obviously if something is too dangerous, we don’t leave our child unsupervised if he is not ready to deal with whatever it is by himself. If a fear of the parent were to arise when thinking of running with scissors, or walking across the floor with muddy boots, the only true learning that has come of it is that mommy or daddy is really scary when they are angry, and they get angry when i forget to … fill in the blank with perhaps a muddled soup of rules and demands that all point to the same consequence – the irritated or angry reaction. That reaction and the bad feelings are often what are remembered – not the instructions themselves. This negative approach is not useful for them in their learning and growth, nor for their sense of self-worth, their faith in their capacities of achievement and capacity to understand, nor is it at all useful for them once they are on their own and don’t have a parent’s wrath to fear and motivate them.

I like to think that my children’s teachers would not get angry with them if they didn’t figure something out the first time. How much more loving we, the people who care the most for them in the whole world, should be. We are their living examples on this earth. Getting angry because we are tired of repeating ourselves has to do with our lack of self-control, not theirs. Are we teaching them what we believe in by exemplifying a behavior we would not accept as respectable from them? It is our job as parents to repeat ourselves. Tough tootles. Children are just embarking on this life-long path of learning and they need that kind of patience from us. It is our job to guide them to self-mastery. No bullying can fake its way into a loving parent / child relationship and true learning be the outcome.

God knows we all need ideas, support and a tap in the back sometimes! please share any peaceful alternatives you might have learned to embody in your family life.

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